Half-an-Airman

Princess

Airman-Colonel

Earning that first set of stripes is automatic ... there’s nothing we can do about that. However, this new rank -- called Half-an-Airman -- would force half-ass Airman to wait an additional six months before earning their first full stripe.

She graduated high school one year ago and she still thinks the world revolves around her. Things that are more important than the military include: boys, makeup, hair styles, Kelly Clarkson’s latest album, and anything to do with Orlando Bloom.

We’ve all worked with one of these Airmen at one time or another. The Airman-Colonel actually believes that the U.S. Air Force is a Democracy, where his decisions actually matter as much or more than his enlisted superiors. Foolish little Airman.

Chief SrA

Air-Soldier

Baby Staff

Promotion to the NCO ranks is nearly automatic these days, but "back in the day" -- when promotion to staff sergeant was actually a difficult task -- Airmen could easily hold the rank of E-4 for half a decade. CHairforce.com recognizes these slow burners.

There are airmen who believe Air Force personnel should be "trigger-pullers" first. These Airmen breath, eat and sleep soldiering skills; they think Air Force PT test should be tougher; and they think the word "Hooah!" should be a permanent part of the Air Force vocabulary.

Ten years ago, promotion to the rank of noncommissioned officer was a respectable accomplishment that required years of experience and months of studying. With today’s 65-plus promotion percentage rates, Airman are becoming NCOs well before their time.

BDU Bling!

Desert Queen

3-Stripes-Crooked

BDU Bling! for those Airmen who feel naked without 20 pounds of gold and silver draped around their neck and a fake, baseball-size diamond hanging from the side of their head. This new set of stripes would help add some bling! to those bland BDUs.

For those deployed Airmen who ... how can we say it politely ... are “less than attractive,” but become the center of attention in a deployed environment (where the guy-to-gal ratio is about 5,000-to-1). These airmen are sometimes referred to as “2-10-2s” (a 2 before they deployed, a 10 while deployed, and then back to a 2 again).

Senior Airman (E-4) are expected to be confident and professional with leadership and management skills superior to their E-1, E-2 and E-3 counterparts. The 3-Stripes-Crooked rank is for those senior airmen who are comfortable not meeting those expectations.

Airman No Class

Also called "Airman Last Class," or "Airman Cursed Class," this new stripe, complete with dirty, odiferous material and lifelike house fly pin, will be presented to all new E-3s who possess the character of prize pig. These two-striped bottom-feeders typically smell like a two-week-old pair of gym socks, and wear uniforms that haven't been "washed" since the Airmen was caught outside in the last rain storm.

Lego Lieutenant

Color Me Confused

Lieutenant in Limbo

For those new lieutenants who haven't quite grown up yet. These "butterbars" can be found hanging out in packs of four to five of their peers, often coordinating their clothing before hitting the local night clubs.

These lieutenants can handle minor tasks with major supervision. They will occasionally attempt to pull rank on a seasoned NCOs and must be constantly reminded that they are only second lieutenants. The crayon rank insignia is a helpful reminder from leadership to "shut up and color."

This new rank should be obvious to any lieutenants affected by the Air Force's officer force shaping initiative (aka, "Here today, gone tomorrow). A data chip embedded in the insignia will cause the bar to completely fade away if the officer's Air Force career is terminated.

Baby Bird

One-Percent'r

Double Butterbar

In recognition of those lieutenants who take themselves far too seriously, the Air Force is awarding the "Baby Bird" rank, a name derived from the "full-bird" attitude adopted by some first and second lieutenants. Only young officers who know far more than anyone else are eligible to wear this rank.

This new rank is reserved for that one percent of first lieutenants who didn't make captain the first time. At a distance, this insignia actually resembles captain's bars ... only upon closer inspection can you ridicule these lieutenants.

Making captain is virtually automatic (except for those "One Percent'ers" we discussed to the left); but chances are, and few lieutenants will earn the double-silver-bars long before they're ready for that type of responsibility. We call these captains "Double-Butterbars."

Captain Coattail

Senior Captain

Mrs. Colonel

For those captains who have survived this far simply by riding the coattails of their enlisted subordinates. Left on his or her own, a half-captain will certainly fail and will often blame the nearest Airman or NCO.

It's not uncommon for an officer to hold the rank of captain for upwards of six years. The captain is the "senior airman" of the officer corps. However, those O-3s who can't reach the level of major in six years can now at least add another shiny silver bar to each shoulder.

The service is finally putting eagles on the shoulders of your commander's "boss" ... his spouse. Now Air Force members can salute the commander's wife because it is required, instead of doing it just to suck up to your boss.

O-Princess

Based on the enlisted "Princess" insignia, a very, very small percentage of junior officers will begin wearing the O-Princess grade insignia this fiscal year. These "princesses" are normally highly attractive and only hang out with other O-Princesses. Their career aspirations include marrying a pilot and ... well, that's about it.